Life as we don't know it

In response to my dear friend Charmant

Friday, May 6, 2011 @ 11:05 AM PERMALINK

My good friend Charmant who blogs at Wandering Sparrows just posted a blog post about fidelity and asked a couple of really hard questions which I've decided to address here instead of spam her comment page. Also charmant (if you are reading this) QUICK! Ask me out for coffee. =D

As a highly logical and illogical person, I have to remind myself that attraction is not always a conscious decision. (Sure I can say it but it isn't like it doesn't hurt to realise that my significant other could be attracted to someone else as well)

There's a science to attraction and I believe that from the simple fact of the matter that we are human beings = we are bound to find attraction in someone else other than your partner.

It could be my view on the soulmates and romance that influences this but I generally do not see feeling attracted to someone else while being attached is cheating. If you look me in the eye and declare "NO. Now that I'm with my boyfriend/girlfriend I don't feel anything for other males/females" I'm inclined to call you a liar.

People are greedy in nature, human nature is always searching for something more. I don't see how anyone can go through life and not feel attracted to another person just because you are attached. Your brain chemistry doesn't change enough to make that possible.

The magnitude of attraction and the scale of which you are attracted to strangers / old friends / friends will probably be dimmed when you are in a healthy, supportive relationship with someone you love but it doesn't go away.

I find the best way to look at this (I aware its not fool-proof) is to ask: "If my partner knew I was doing this, would it hurt them?" & "If my partner did this to me, would it hurt me?"

For this to work though, both parties need to be more or less on the same page. It is not going to work if one thinks cheating only counts when sex occurs (here's looking at you Jersey Shore cast members) while the other thinks simply talking to someone else is cheating.

It also will not work if you treat your partner unfairly. You cannot possibly think its okay for you to dance with strangers in a club then flip when your partner does the same thing.

So using that approach, here are my answers. I apologize if some of these don't make sense and I'm most definitely not a genius at relationships. I'm also in a rush to get to the dentist soo pardon the bad punctuation and typos.

How would you define cheating?
Anything that you know will hurt your partner and you know you would not like your partner to do to you, is counted as cheating. If you find or suspect you have different definitions, you are going to have to do the boring and grown up thing and talk about it like adults until you come to a neutral decision.
Do drunken mistakes that don't mean anything count?

I'm not sure how other couples view this but for me, Yes. Unless its your first time drinking alcohol, you know full well the effects it has on you. If you really loved someone, you stay away from situations that would hurt them.This is purely a personal view but I would bolt if I felt that alcohol was making something go out of hand and I would not accept this if my partner used it as an excuse. It could be different in your relationship. Figure out what you and your partner's view on alcohol is.

Remember though, it is not fair to say you can do it and get upset when he does. First and last time mistakes are viewed on different yardsticks I guess? But if you are going to make a habit of it..think about if its going to hurt your partner if he/she found out.
Does flirting (with no intent other than it being a pathetic attempt to validate your attractiveness) count?
On this, I say No. While I want to say that your attractiveness is not measured by how many people find you hot, I am aware that sometimes (alot of the time) we slip. This is fine as long as you aren't in a relationship (not passing judgment) where so much as talking to someone else hurts your partner.
What if, and it's a really big IF here, you really do love your other half, BUT you still want to spend time with other boys because you have a connection/they're really good-looking and you enjoy having an eye-candy?

This is a tricky one. Would this connection be something your partner is jealous of, would he/she be hurt by it? What form of connection is this and why is it missing in your relationship?

If its the kind of connection you feel you have to fight each and every time you are around this said person. Yes, emotional cheating is as bad as psychical cheating. Looking at someone/ having eye-candy is different from wanting to be around them because there's a connection.
If your partner expressly forbids you from doing something, and you comply even though deep down inside you really wish you didn't have to and would give anything to lie to/ignore him, does that then mean you don't really love him? Cause if you do, wouldn't you willingly give up whatever upsets/hurts him?
Hardest question of the bunch. I feel that in a relationship, apart from obvious things like "I forbid you to cheat on me, see other people, dance in clubs with strangers...bring racoons home.." that sort of thing forbidding is not a good thing to begin with.

I feel like if you are in a relationship that you want to last, one partner can express how he/she feels about something. For example: "I don't like you clubbing because I'm worried you will get drunk and cheat on me" and the other should try to take it upon themselves to try and lighten this fear. Like saying (and proving!) "I'll go clubbing less or I won't drink so much"
I guess being forbidden to do something comes with resentment and its always going to strain a relationship. Work it out, don't forbid anything. If you can let it go, let it go by yourself. If not, sorry but that adult talk is in order.

<3 to all.