Life as we don't know it

So Marriage? Not for this twenty something...

Wednesday, April 3, 2013 @ 11:51 AM PERMALINK

I just read this well written article by Julia Shaw for Slate Magazine about getting married in your early twenties (article here) and that got me thinking about my own views about marriage.

In case you don't really know me. Bong and I have been together for over 4 years. (I just counted. As of the end of last month, we have officially been a couple for 4.5 years)

This is what we look like (On occasion. We usually look worse):

Obviously, I've gotten a lot of comments about us getting married. Just the usual ones like: "When you and Bong get married..." or "Have you thought about what happens when you and Bong get married?" or "So when are the both of you getting married?"..

Let's get this out there. I love my boyfriend. Have we talked about getting married? Yes, on occasion. Admittedly, it is usually for silly reasons like "If we get married and want a dog, we can't buy a dog from a pet shop because I refuse to support puppy mills." or "Weddings are so expensive, when we get married, no big wedding okay? Why should we have to pay for people to celebrate our celebration?" Sometimes it is about where'd we stay or how'd we survive. You know, serious stuff, but it is pretty rare. Why?

Because the fact of the matter is that we don't think that we will be married any time soon.
Do I think that makes us a bad couple or one that is doomed to fail? No.

For me right now (and I don't deny that this might change as I get closer to wrinkles and white hair) marriage just isn't that big of a deal. People always talk about getting married like it is some kind of race. I work with weddings now and I've seen some that are so over the top that sometimes I'm convinced that the main purpose is to show off.

I fail to see how a diamond ring and a piece of paper suddenly means that your relationship is that much more cemented. Please note that this doesn't mean I don't want a ring when I do get married, I will NEVER turn down jewelry.

In the world we live in, marriage (which people still insist is supposed to be sacred) is made a mockery of. Divorce rates are rising. I've watched as married friends and family have cheated on or have been cheated on. So really? What's the big deal. You sign a piece of paper, it says you are married and you know what? If you've always been in a committed relationship, nothing much should change.

Right now, I view marriage like a committed relationship with a certificate. This certificate grants you access to certain things, like the ability to apply for a flat, the ability to have a joint account, additional privileges when you send your kids to school, access on ambulances and certain hospital rooms (I don't know if the last point is true, I've been led to believe this by television).

It also irks me that this certificate of privilege is not being granted to people of the same sex. I don't buy the "The law says it is illegal so it should remain illegal" argument. Abortion used to be illegal in Singapore, it isn't anymore. Slavery used to be legal in America, it isn't anymore. But let's not get into that can of worms right now.

This piece of paper also allows you to fit in to people's idea of a couple. It prevents the elders from questioning your morals. It provides some people with some kind of security that their partner is less likely to leave them because it is a more complex process.. (not sure that's even a good thing)

Don't get me wrong, I am aware that being married is a new lifestyle. Living independently, seeing each other all the time, bills, planning for children, saving for planned children...Do I see myself doing these things soon. Not all at.

I've just started working, Bong is still in school (thousands of kilometers away from me) even if we were to suddenly decide to tie the knot, we'd still have to depend on our parents so what's the point?

Some people put across that marriage allows you to grow as a couple. To support each other in times of need and to develop as individuals together. I'm not saying that this is inaccurate. If marriage is able to do that for you and your partner - Please do get married.

For Bong and I, we are fine with developing our personalities and lives apart for now. It isn't an ideal situation (being in different countries) but I can't really deny him from chasing knowledge in an environment that is the best for him. Yes, we are at different points in our lives but we can still go forward together as long as we know that we can dabble in new experiences and interests with the other still being around to provide support.

All in all, I wish everyone luck in their relationships. Bong and I are lucky to have found a formula that works and we work hard to ensure it will continue to provide us with happiness.

No matter if you are married, intending to get married, have the same view as me, think my view is idotic...Don't let anyone else tell you if you should or shouldn't get married now. Do what feels right as long as it doesn't cause anyone else hurt.