Life as we don't know it

Attempting post breakup advice.

Saturday, June 18, 2011 @ 7:33 PM PERMALINK

I won't lie, its been a long time since I've been in a bad breakup and for my own sake, I hope that I won't see another one for a long long time. However, looking from the outside and remembering what it was like to get over someone very slowly and to lapse in and out getting back together than breaking up again for years, I feel like I have to try to give my friend(s) suffering from a breakup a little advice.

I know break ups are never easy and when I see my friends suffering through one, I tell them (because I truly believe it) that it will be okay. Some times my friends accept this (perhaps just to be polite) and other times, they don't. But I know many people think :"No, it won't be alright. It will be okay in time but I will never be the same and we will never be the same."

And you know what? You are absolutely right!

If you've given it your all, if you've done all you can without compromising your soul and parts of you that make you, you and you two are still broken up?

You are right. This relationship? Its broken and chances are, it isn't able to be fixed. Ever.
(Totally aware that there are ex relationship miracles out there but not interested in 1: 2 zillion chances)

So many of us battle with insecurities about letting someone in because you are afraid that they will take your trust, your heart and your soul, stomp all over them and leave. Sometimes, the relationship wins this insecurity and you do let this one person in, you trust them to take care of you and suddenly, just as you expected, your heart is on the floor in shreds, with shoe-prints all over it. (Dramatic I know; but my guess is that many of us really feel this way)

When this happens, after feeling hurt as hell, we automatically feel angry and betrayed. We feel like we've been abandoned and cheated. We feel like hardening our hearts to everyone else. We want to build walls and hide behind masks of indifference.

So now, let me ask you. Lets imagine you are in a new relationship or about to embark on a new relationship:

Would you ever want to be with a person who you now know is capable of hurting you the same way your ex did? Would you want to be in a relationship where one party couldn't accept you for who you are and decided to leave instead of working it out? Would you want to go out with a cheat? Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who would rather leave than try harder? (Insert any other reason for the breakup with your ex here)

I guessing the answer you are thinking now is No fucking way. (If I'm wrong and your answer is yes, please stop wasting your time reading this)

EXACTLY! You wouldn't do it again so why is it a bad thing that your relationship with your ex is broken and will never be the same. Its not a bad thing! Its something to celebrate!

I know, I know. There is all the good stuff that I've forgetting. All the beautiful moments, all the sweet gestures, all the lovely things he/she did for you.

But you know what, there is someone out there who can give you all that good stuff and more without all that bad feeling crap.

And you are also right in saying you won't be the same (if you do think so). You won't. I won't lie to you and say that your heart will fully recover, that you will never miss your ex. Every relationship you are serious about, every person you truly care for and who you let into your life, leaves with a piece of you and this applies no matter if they are friends, family or lovers.

Your ex does have a part of you that you will never get back, just as you have a space in his heart that he will never be able to fill up perfectly.

But we discredit how much our hearts and souls have to give.
Even though there are spaces taken out of them. Even though there are (metaphorical) empty spaces in your heart and soul in the shape of ex lovers and friends or even family who have left your life, there is still so much more left to give and receive.

We've been equipped with souls and hearts to last an average of 60-70 years, did you think nature didn't account for that?

A untouched heart, an unadventurous soul, only signifies either an exceptionally lucky person or one who has not lived a fruitful life.

You may be right, it may never be the same. You will never be the same. But that doesn't mean its a bad thing.

To all of you out there coping with a breakup, I know its not easy. Cry, watch bad chick flicks, binge on unhealthy snacks, bash your boyfriend/girlfriend to your mates..do whatever makes it easier but please do remember that sometimes, change is good and maybe this change is to steer you to someone better.

Much love! <3

Labels: Break ups, Insights