Life as we don't know it

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 @ 9:44 PM PERMALINK

There are so many things I want to do/so many things I need to do.
I find as I grow older, my mind becomes foggier.
Foggy with reality.

I miss those days where I could do anything.

I could be writer, I could publish an illustrated book of short stories. I could work in a magazine.
I could fly around the world forever.
I could become famous. I could party all night (okay, this. I only miss sometimes)
I could teach English to children
I could help advocate the importance of girls in the world.

Now, I feel like this 23 year old mind of mine has been bogged down by the reality of waiting tables and faking smiles. 4 years is a long time, its a commitment. I'm good with commitment.

My head and heart are screaming that that the right thing to do/ the only thing to do is to FIND A JOB. Any job. Any job fit for a degree holder.

That's right. I have a degree in commerce.
Sometimes I wonder if this higher education decision was a dud. A $24,000 mistake.

I choose to believe the universe has a plan. That its plan is simply in the works.
As I started to type this, I have also decided that I need to write again. I think to think clearly and to stop thinking about what my next move is.

I need to live more and live less both at once.

On Saturday, I went out. I put on my makeup, wore a new pair of heels and the $10 dress I bought from Melbourne. I drank 2.5 glasses of wine and a weak cocktail.
0.5 of wine which I gave away because I couldn't stomach it anymore.
I stayed until the club closed, I developed 3 blisters that have yet to heal. I got caught in the rain while trying to get a cab.

I used to do this when I was young(er). But x 5 the amount of alcohol and -3x the blisters because heels were my best friend. This realization made me realise that I've never felt so alive because I've experienced so much already. I've experienced enough to have left that behind and embark on other things that give me fulfillment.

But I also felt dead because I realise that I've been alive so long that I've left this all behind like it was a whole other lifetime. I don't remember the details of that lifetime anymore.

Strange how life is huh?

Now, off to hunt myself down the perfect job yes.
Come on universe, we gotta work together!